And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.
[Haruki Murakami (my new favorite author) in Kafka on the Shore]

I discovered him by typing Candy by MianMian into whatshouldireadnext.com

[picture Snigdha took of the man on TD DDTD Day this past Friday]

[The TD freshman dinner, when it all began]

For God, for Country, and for Yale. And for TD.

Today President Levin announced the new TD Master, Jeff Brenzel. TD hasn't had a new Master in something like 32 years. The dining hall was filled with all the familiar faces. I feel incredibly lucky to be part of this community. I feel more at home in this place than I do anywhere in the world. In China this summer, I couldn't wait to get back to TD. I'm not sure how or when it happened but TD has become home. A simple word but one that's hard to really understand.

An example of Master T's general coolness: Last Wednesday was the senior dinner. Cristina and I were studying for our last Human Emotion exam when we heard and saw a full Brazilian band preforming in the TD courtyard. Complete with girls in beaded g-strings and head dresses shaking their salt shakers. Everyone was drinking, singing, dancing. It wasn't surprising at all.

Sophomore year is almost over. I'm going to miss my East Asia in US Lit and Film class! Today we watched the Slanted Screen which examines how Asian American males have been portrayed in mainstream media. I have to say I enjoyed the Bruce Lee clips and learning about Sessue Hayakawa. Sessue was the first Asian actor to find success in non-stereotypical roles. Apparently, hordes of white women went to watch him seduce and overpower white female stars. Mhhmm.

I made this little list I have hanging over my desk with all the things standing between me and freedom. I didn't want to deal with going to New York so I just sent my passport to a visa service. Hopefully no more crazy Swine flu stuff like last year. Ahh I'm so ready to be in Asia again. And so tempted to visit friends in Thailand, Korea, Japan? Or just go by myself to Hanoi or Manila? Shopping in Hong Kong? I may never come back...

Papers and forms and studying are all underway. The motivation is very low.

I'm embracing humility. embracing humility. I'd like to get to the point where I can love each part of myself-- even the parts I hate, am embarrassed by etc.. George told me about a conversation Eve Ensler had with a 74-year-old Masai woman about whether she loves her body:

Do I like my body? Do I like my body? I love my body. God made this body. God gave me this body. My fingers, look at my fingers. I love my fingernails, little crescent moons. They lead right up to my arms--so strong--they carry things along. Nad my legs, my legs are long. Masai people, we are tall, I get there fast, my legs can wrap around a man and hold him there.

It's never occurred to her that she should not like her body. I wonder if I would be like that I'd grown up in the bush without access to Victoria's Secret fashion shows? This woman lives in her body and respects it for all the wonderful things it does for her. I would like to get to the point where I can say all these things she's saying about her physical body and believe them. Emotional, spiritual body too. I'd like to say "I know who you are and I love you. I accept you" to all these pieces of me.

I'm up early and optimistic about today. Our windows are open and the sun is shining. This is my favorite part of the day-- I love watching the city wake up. I really want to develop my Holga film but I don't know how to develop color film yet. Should have thought of that. Photo should definitely be on my schedule next term. I probably should take some more English classes too if I want to be an English major. Today will be spent tackling what I hope is the last econ pset with Ploy, studying for a Human Emotion test on Thursday (ick ick ick), adding a few more sources to my massive Shanghai Baby bibliography, and folding paper cranes. Not too bad. One day, maybe one hour at a time.

I slept in until three in the afternoon today (I never do this). It's hard right now because they aren't concrete due dates for many things-- just final papers and tests. This is going to require a whiteboard. 加油 (add oil)! That's short for 加大油门[jia1 da4 you2 men2]; to step on the gas or to make an extra effort. My Chinese teachers used to tell me this when I'd come into office hours for help... At least I get to practice my Chinese on the weekends (inhibitions-removing virtue of sake).

I'm at work again and reading Tripmaster Monkey.

So far its very Chinatown meets the Beat poets and very trippy. I guess that's to be expected. The main character just invited the "prettiest, most unattainable" girl from his college years for cappuccino. My kind of man. She accepts his offer and he starts making up a story of his life where his parents were circus performers. Okay. Now Wittman (Kingston named his specifically after Walt Whitman) manages to lure this pretty girl back to his apartment. Then he starts jumping on the furniture and proclaiming himself the reincarnation of the traditional Chinese hero, the King of Monkeys.

What is it about monkeys? See no hear no speak no evil? There's a Chinese legend about monkeys and a cartoon series too. We watched it at a China Care playgroup a few weekends ago.

Cristina thinks I should design baby clothes. I do too.

I just finished Eat, Pray, Love-- what a wonderful and appropriate book! It didn't do anything to soothe the travel compulsion that twists in my stomach. It's funny how different emotions manifest themselves in your body. I'm writing lots, praying lots, doing headstands. I think I'm finally beginning to realize that the things I've been circling the world searching for are inside of me. The digging I need to do is spiritual. Sitting and just being with myself is so hard right now. My mind is running all over the place with incoherent thoughts. I wonder what it would be like to just transport myself to some place where there are no other people and thus no reason to open my mouth. This idea terrifies me. No one to talk to?

I'm going to skip on the TED talk conference at Dartmouth tomorrow and stay here and paint.

Chinua Achebe

Living it one day at a time. Trying to pay more attention. Time goes by so fast. so fast. I just drew for JUNIOR YEAR HOUSING. I AM (almost) A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE. I always think the next year sounds "old" but I never feel old when I get there. Maybe legally purchasing alcohol next September will make me feel old. We'll just have to see..

Meeting Dr. Ruth!

I met Dr. Ruth at a Master's Tea on Monday! She's 4'7" and super charismatic. She could have been twenty. I had no idea Dr. Ruth fled Nazi Germany as a child and later served as a sniper for the Israeli army. She has pretty traditional views on sex, love, and family. I agreed with everything she said at her tea. :) Master T has invited Chinua Achebe to Yale as a TD Chubb Fellow. I went to his lecture this afternoon in the dining hall and was mesmerized by the man's voice. I can't imagine turning on the radio and not being able to identify his or Dr. Ruth's voice. Both are incredibly distinctive. Dr. Ruth said that she was advised to go to speech school to correct her accent but never had the time. She believed it helped her in radio to be so recognizable. Chinua Achebe's voice just about stops time. Every word just seems so emphatic. He certainly doesn't word vomit the way I do. I can't wait to hear more from him at the TD lunch tomorrow!

In other news, I'm praying. A lot. Asking God to show me his plan for my life. I think my biggest struggle will be turning over control of my life to a power greater than myself. At the same time, I think it is the one thing that will bring me peace.

I enjoy my job ushering at the music school. I can go in and watch or sit here for three hours doing my homework. Usually I sit here half-listening to the music, half-looking for a thesis. I always have trouble staying awake. In general. In Econ, The Sydney Opera House, movies. That's why I was impressed with the Yale Rep last weekend (see Servant of Two Masters- hilarious!). My mind isn't sure what it should be doing when I listen to music. It usually becomes a scene of dancing lovers running through ethereal meadows and seasides that look like polaroid pictures. My friends who appreciate music properly tell me they don't think about anything when they listen. This is why I'm meditating. To quiet my mind. It's pretty chaotic. I love watching all the old couples that come to every show. The husband always has the ticket stubs but he's usually slower, probably a bit older than his wife on second thought. She walks up first and tells me that her husband has her ticket, smiling. It's so cute. Somehow I don't think quite as many baby boomers stayed together.

The group of Yalies interning in Shanghai this summer met for dinner. My "我爱中国男人“ T-shirt proposal was met with support from males and females. Though one guy had to think for a minute before deciding it would be okay because we'd be wearing them together as a group. We talked about Chinese food. Weekend trips. Salsa dancing.

I think the only things that change from day to day are how long I run and who else I find out is gay. I've been running a lot. Running away?

Dahlia got baptised today and she's never looked more beautiful. I had no idea they submerged your whole body.

I always ask for chopsticks. It's unnecessary but somehow it vastly increases my enjoyment of a meal. Forks seem so fast (not that chopsticks aren't-- I've seen some amazing rice shuffling in Asia). Maybe they just bring back that summer. The qiezi and the mogu. All those lunch tables. The gong bao ji ding. My chopstick request has inspired the little boy across from me to ask for them. Before he was picking up ice cubes out of his glass with his fork. Now he's playing the drums with his chopsticks. The couple across from me just asked for them too. After its bootcamp last summer, my duzi (stomach) is ready for Chinese food again. I guess I'll have to wait until May for my baoziguan. I'll have to find a new "stick man" in Shanghai. I'm sure that won't be hard.

Drawing/Watercolor for Scene double truck today. It's the Apocalypse.


Went to see Servant of Two Masters last night at the Yale Rep- two and a half hours of sheer hilarity. Honestly, I almost always fall asleep at these things.. Not this time! Now I'm at the DMCA working from 9:30 (now)- 5. Hopefully I'll be able to get most of my work done today so I can work on my Sudler project this weekend. (!) I think Cristina and I are going to a party called "Colonizers and the Colonized." It has come under some controversy because you're supposed to come in costume. Someone wrote on the facebook event something to the effect of "sorry but my chains are at the drycleaners this weekend."

In other news, I'm finding Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance a pleasant read:

You look at where you're going and where you are and it never makes sense, but then you look back at where you've been and a pattern seems to emerge.